Escape from the Pain
Lately, when my depressive thoughts have turned suicidal, I've been telling myself that I don't want my life to be over--I want a reprieve from the pain. I'm usually at a loss on how to get there. I'm tired, frustrated, desperate, so my thoughts follow the path that has already been blazed throughout the years. I fantasize about death, intoxication, or some other destructive behavior that doesn't require a lot of imagination.
But how else can I escape, in a more positive way? Instead of romanticizing about death or inebriation from booze, I can research new kayaking routes, bike baths, hiking trails, and camping sites. I can invest the time I lose in unproductive and dangerous thoughts into planning creative outings for myself and for the family that will give me/us the reprieve that I'm craving. I can be proactive about finding sitters for the kids so that my thoughts won't revert back to "stinking thinking."
It's so bloody hard to take that first step ... to Google the state parks in Maryland that rent canoes, or to tune up my bike for a nice ride. But those first steps are life savers because they afford me the positive escapes that I need.
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